ruins (i'm falling apart)
by V. Sourweather
Summary: Dorcas is falling apart, and no one can stop her fall. [Warning for character deaths]


_Hello everyone! So. I cried writing this. A lot. Too much. And I apologize if this makes you sad._

_Summary: Dorcas is falling apart, and no one can stop her fall._

_Rating: T_

_Warning: Character deaths (on and off-screen)_

_Disclaimer: Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling and nothing belongs to me, as always. I don't make any money out of this story._

_.:._

_Written for:_

_**[HSWW]** Assignment #6: Men's History: Influential Men in History / Task #4 - Write about someone plagued with a desire to die_

_Other prompts listed at the end_

_Word count [without the A/N]: 2,876 words_

* * *

_**ruins (i'm falling apart)**__**:**_ **Dorcas Meadowes and Fabian Prewett**

She stands tall and proud in front of the graves, a hand on Molly's shoulder. She tries not to look at the names on the tombs, because that way, maybe she can forget that _everything is over_, and that all she wants now is to die, so that all the pain she feels can just vanish.

She listens to the words but doesn't really hear them.

"They fought like heroes," Moody says, and she feels tears welling up in her eyes. They might have fought like heroes, but it is not enough. They might have been heroes, but she doesn't need a dead hero for a fiancé, and Molly doesn't need two dead heroes in place of her brothers.

The wind rises and her long, blonde hair whirls around her. She doesn't care about the fact that it whips at her face. She just wishes her soul could dance in the wind like it used to, when Fabian was still here.

She doesn't realize the funeral is over until Molly walks away from her, after a quick pressure of her hand on her shoulder.

"Dorie?" Marlene asks her, and she nods to show that she has heard her. "You okay?"

She laughs, and it's so bitter. She knows she shouldn't act like this around Marlene, because she's her best friend and she only wants to help, but _how can she?_ She can't bring back the dead, and right now, it's all Dorcas really needs.

A drop of rain falls on the ground before her, and the cold bites into her body.

"Have you ever felt frozen all the way down to your bones?" she asks her friend, and she finally turns towards her. She can see Marlene is almost scared of her, and she tries to apologize, but the words catch in her throat. Instead, she insists, "Have you?"

Slowly, Marlene shakes her head, and Dorcas can already see she's starting to pity her (it doesn't matter that she is her friend, she just wants to slap this pitiful look out of her face).

"That's what I'm feeling right now," she continues, and her voice is cold and broken. "I wish I was dead like him, so I wouldn't feel the cold anymore."

Marlene takes a step towards her, and the broken woman shakes her head because she knows if her best friend comes any closer, she will break down in tears, and she doesn't want to. She never has been one to show her weaknesses to others.

"Leave me alone, please," she whispers, and after a few moments of silence, she hears footsteps fading away.

A few seconds later, the dam in the sky opens and it starts raining, and raining, and raining, and she knows it is safe for her to cry now, but she doesn't. She just sits down on the damp ground and stares at the engagement ring on her finger (she hasn't taken it off yet, and probably never will).

When she looks up at the sky, there are dark clouds up there, and it breaks her heart because Fabian was the sun, and she cannot see its light anymore. In fact, she cannot see her fiancé anywhere but in her memories.

Finally, her mouth opens and words tumble out of it (hollow, painful words).

"You promised, Fabian," she whispers, her lips quivering with unshed tears. "You promised me. 'I'll be there, whenever you need me', you said. And you're not here anymore. 'I'm never letting you go', you said, and you did, and now you're just gone, and I just feel so empty. I didn't think it would feel like this, you know? I always thought I would die first, because you promised me you would never leave me, and I was foolish enough to believe you."

She falls silent then, and she doesn't realize that tears are finally rolling down her cheeks until she feels a salty taste on her tongue. She wipes her tears away and takes a deep breath, and then she stands up and says more calmly, "I'll be going now, Fabian. And I don't think I'll come back. I hope you understand, and if you don't… I'm sorry."

She wipes the mud away from her black dress and thinks that maybe she will see him again sooner than he'd like. She will fight harder, fight more than she has ever fought before, and she knows she doesn't care about the fact that she might die.

She walks away and turns around one last time when she arrives at the gate of the graveyard, and she looks back at the two graves with blooming flowers perched upon them. She can see, from where she stands, the white roses she has laid on the graves, one for each of the twins. It's like she's leaving her purity and her innocence behind with these white flowers which will wilt before their time, drenched in water, but she disapparates all the same.

* * *

When she appears into her home, the first thing she does is look at herself in the mirror. Her lips form a bitter smile; she looks crestfallen, sad and disappointed in life, and the rain doesn't make it any better. It has literally soaked her clothes and she can feel it seeping into her skin. Her hair is drenched as well.

She thinks about not eating anything for the rest of the day, but then changes her mind and cooks her grief away. She prepares Fabian's favourite meal (chicken with potatoes, and a fruit salad for a dessert).

She looks with interest at the sharp knife she has laid down on the counter and almost picks it up again, but two seconds later, she shakes her head. How can she think that way? Dying in combat is honourable. _This_, attempting suicide, is clearly not.

She tries to calm herself and finally sits down in front of her plate. She just feels so alone. Fabian should be sitting in front of her, a smile on his face and his eyes full of stars, but he's not. Yet, she can almost see him, a figure barely tangible sitting on the empty chair in front of her. She shakes her head, and the illusion disappears.

All she is left with is sadness, disappointment and anger. If anyone could see her now, slowly eating away her fiancé's favourite food… She imagines what they would say. "How crestfallen she looks!", or maybe "She is so alone.", or "It's such a pity…" And she hates them all, but mostly, she hates herself because she has never felt so weak and she has never wished for something as much as she wishes death would take her too.

* * *

She volunteers for the next mission of the Order, and the anger has taken everything away from her. She stays away from Marlene, because she knows her friend would try to make her see reason, and she doesn't want that. All she desires, now, is to take as many Death Eaters as possible to the grave. She wants to kill them all, for they are responsible for the death of her Fabian.

She is relieved when no one opposes her decision, and tries to look away from everybody. She thinks they already regret their choice, and when she endangers her teammates (no one is hurt, thankfully) because of her _stupid_ anger and her _stupid_ need for vengeance, she wants to apologize and feel guilty for it, but she doesn't. All she feels (all she has felt for a month now) is emptiness.

She knows, after that, that she should stay away from the most important missions, but she doesn't. And she is all the more surprised when they keep letting her volunteer. Maybe it's because they pity her, or maybe because they understand her desire for revenge.

But when she suddenly hears the words, during a meeting, "We have a lead on Dolohov," she immediately intervenes and says, her voice cold like her heart, "I want to do this on my own." It's stupid, and she knows it, but this is Dolohov, and she knows he has taken part in Fabian and Gideon's murder so she is blinded by hatred.

"You're not doing this on your own, Meadowes," Moody immediately replies.

"Yes, I am! If it's just him, I'm sure I can take him! You can send reinforcements if you want to, but please, let me handle this on my own!"

He gauges her and she holds her head high, defiantly.

"McKinnon, Fenwick. You're the reinforcements," he finally announces, after a brief discussion with the elder members of the Order.

A cold smile tugs at her lips, and she doesn't do anything to hide it. Finally, she is allowed to have her revenge. She will kill Antonin Dolohov (and a part of her hopes she will die with him).

* * *

She stares at the house (it's such a normal house; how can it be so normal?), and doesn't listen to Marlene when she tells her to be careful. She already knows she won't be (_she can't be_, not when it's _him_ she will be facing).

She steps forward, takes a deep breath, and whispers _Alohomora!_ to quietly open the door (she knows she will need the effect of surprise).

But she is surprised (and mortified) when she sees _him_ sitting in a chair in the centre of the living room. He plays with his wand and looks up at her when she quietly steps in, a fake look of surprise on his face (and she wants to rip it away). She raises her wand and he doesn't do anything, and she is so blinded by her rage that she doesn't even ask herself _why_.

"Stupid little Mudblood," he seethes. "You really think I would have let myself be found if I didn't want _something_ in return?" He trails off and stands up before he continues, his voice cutting through her skin, "Did you know how your… fiancé and his brother screamed in pain when we tortured them before we killed them?"

She can't take it anymore, she feels the words bubbling up her throat and she knows she is going to kill him, but then he slashes the air with his wand, so fast that she can barely see it, and she falls to the ground.

Everything goes black, but she thinks she can hear screams and spells and explosions before everything goes silent as well.

* * *

When she wakes up, she is blinded by the light and she wonders where she is. The walls at her house are grey, not white. She squints and soon understands. St Mungo's.

She turns her head and sees Marlene, curled up in a seat next to her bed, and she remembers. Her throat clenches and she tries to breathe deeply, but she can't. She is suffocating, and she thinks she will actually die (she hopes, because she won't have to live with the guilt and the loneliness anymore then). There's no one to help her calm down, but then her best friend opens her eyes and immediately sees her frantic state.

She leans towards her and tries to smile (it comes off as a grimace though), and she holds her hand. Her voice is quivering when she whispers, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm – What happened?" Dorcas asks in a raw voice.

Marlene leans back before she says coldly, "You were cursed by Dolohov, Benjy's dead, and Dolohov got away. That's what happened, Dorie." She scowls and doesn't care about the tears forming in Dorcas's eyes. She just keeps going, "You have to _stop_, Dorcas. Just stop, okay? Stop acting so foolishly! Benjy was _killed_ because of you!"

Her eyes are scorching and Dorcas curls onto her side. She feels tears rolling down her cheeks and her whole body quivering because of her pain; Marlene is right and Benjy (sweet, kind Benjy) is dead and will never walk hand in hand with her best friend again. She wants the guilt to take her away from this world and she wishes she could die to escape the fact that _it's all her fault_.

"Dorie," Marlene whispers, and she's calmer now. "Dorie," she repeats more firmly when Dorcas doesn't react. "Promise me you will stop acting so stupidly."

She wants to promise, but the words catch in her throat (again; why do they always do that?). All she can do is stare at the other woman, a pleading look in her eyes.

"Why did you save me?" she suddenly blurts out, instead of an apology. She hears a quiver in her voice, and she hates herself for being so weak. "I was ready to die. I _wanted_ to die! You shouldn't have intervened! You have no idea what it feels like to be waiting to be reunited with the one you love every day, knowing you can't be because he's gone forever! I wanted to die because I wanted to see Fabian again!" She is screaming by the end of her rant, and she can't seem to be able to stop crying. She knows what she has just said isn't true: Marlene knows now, because Benjy's gone, but she can't help it; she just needs to let it out.

Her best friend is hurt by her words, she can see it in her eyes. But she doesn't react and looks at her steadily. "I know what it feels like now," she says. "You once asked me 'Have you ever felt frozen all the way down to your bones?', and now I _do_ feel this way. But you're my friend, my best friend, and I could never hate you. So please, promise me you won't do something stupid like that again."

"The others must hate me now," Dorcas thinks aloud.

"They don't. They're just worried about you… extremely worried. But the Order of the Phoenix will always need you, Dorie. The Order is _nothing_ without you, at least for me."

Finally, Dorcas's tears stop. She trusts Marlene, and believes what she has just said. But still, she asks, "Can you help me, please? I have no one else to turn to. No other true friend. He left me in ruins, I'm falling apart, and I want to pick up the pieces and just be _okay_ again, but I can't. Can you help me, please?"

It's not a promise that she wants to get better and stop doing stupid things, but apparently, her friend knows it's all she will have, so she answers, "I'll be there, whenever you need me."

A little smile tugs at Dorcas's lips, and she closes her eyes and lets Marlene take her hand in hers.

* * *

When she gets home after the few days she has spent at St Mungo's (Marlene and the nurses have been so worried about her, and _she doesn't deserve it_), she knows something is off and stands still.

Suddenly, there is a movement and she grabs her wand and turns towards the source of the shift, and –

There it is. The end. She's talented, but she doesn't stand a chance against him. She smiles a little, because _finally_, she knows she will see Fabian again. She is not scared; her wish has finally come true, for she is going to die today.

Still, if she has to go down, she will go down fighting, and so she takes on a defying stance and raises her wand.

He says in a cold voice (cold like his scathing red eyes), "Dorcas Meadowes. I have heard a lot about you. You are the one who has gone rampage." He gauges her in a look and his thin, too thin, lips curve into a smile. "I could use someone like you. Surrender, and you will live. Surrender, and you will join my ranks and be treated as so much more than a Mudblood." The last word echoes through the hallway.

She raises her chin and doesn't lower her wand. "I will never surrender to you." Her voice is calm, for she knows her time has come. She waits for the Killing Curse almost impatiently, but she doesn't let him see it.

A scowl appears on his face and he raises his wand as well. She exclaims _Expelliarmus!_ even if it's hopeless, and he counters the Disarming Spell with an easy flick of his wand.

She hears voices filtering through the door (it's Marlene, Sirius, Lily, James, Remus and Peter who are coming to see her – they have told her they would – and they _mustn't_ come here now). She's torn between screaming at them not to come any closer and screaming at him to finally kill her, but he makes this last choice for her.

She hears the words (_Avada Kedavra_, he seethes like a snake) and sees the green light, and behind it, she catches a glimpse of something else. Fabian, waiting for her, like he was always supposed to be. She hears his voice and his promise ringing through her head ("I'll be there, whenever you need me. I'm never letting you go.") and she barely has time to smile (finally, her wish has been granted and she is dead) before the green light hits her and she is just _gone_.

* * *

_Also written for:_

**_If You Dare Challenge (REVIVED!)_****_: _**_505\. Tears_

**_[HSWW]_**_** Insane Prompt Challenge:** 5\. (word) Crestfallen_

**_[HSWW] March - Fortnightly__ Challenges:_** _Sophie's Smut (Or Not, As It Were): 9. Quiver_

**_[HSWW] Writing Club - March:_** _Em's Emporium: 4. The Weather - Alt (dialogue) "Have you ever felt frozen all the way down to your bones?"_

**_[HSWW] March Monthly - Alphabetti Spaghetti:_**_ Letter O - Order of the Phoenix_

**_[HSWW] Spring - Seasonal Challenges:_**

_\- Seasonal Challenge - Birthstones: 7. Chrysoprase - (dialogue) "Can you help me, please? I have no one else to turn to."_

_\- Seasonal Challenge - Flowers: 3. Hyacinth - (word) surrender_

_\- Elemental Challenge - Earth: Earth Prompts: 17. (dialogue) "I'll be there, whenever you need me."_

_\- Star Chart - Spring Astronomy Prompts: 3. March 27th: Conjunction of the moon and Jupiter: (dialogue) "I'm never letting you go."_

**_[HSWW] Herbology Hangout:_** _Starter story_


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